Sorry this is not a short and simple response, but I’ve become quite the amateur editor, being Dan’s older sister ;)

                Here’s your syllable count:

4462/332223/3/233/5352/42342/222/2/2222/62132353/212/1

                Midway through, the 222/2/2222 (“Not one…online”), I think is the strongest part of this poem. You have a very strong syllable count that is poignant and intentional. Each chunk deserves its own line. It has a very natural flow, while maintaining a nice structure.

                However, there are many times in this poem, where there doesn’t seem to be a good reason for hanging, single words/chunks of words, like in the second stanza.

Instead of:

Already/I’m not much/liking/what I’m/ seeing - / or is that - // not seeing //

I would try:

Already/ I’m not much / liking what I’m seeing/ or is that -/ not seeing //

                “Already” and “not seeing” deserve their own line… but they are weakened by giving every other little phrase its own line. You don’t need the dash after “seeing.” It takes away the punch of the dash after “that.” I also don’t think “not seeing” needs to be separated from the stanza. It gives it that cliché “or NOT seeing” reading (kids are going “Ohhh you got served!”). If you keep it as part of the natural flow of speech, it’s not corny.  I also feel like the “or not hearing” stanza is unneeded. Maybe you could tack “hearing” after “not seeing” as part of the same stanza… or:

Already/ I’m not much/ liking what I’m seeing/ or is that - // not seeing/ or hearing//

                I would shorten the title to “One word shy” instead of the full “One word shy of the word on the street.” I normally like your long witty titles (Dan made sure I read all your posted work), but because you are venturing into a new style, I would try to reflect the poignancy of the work in the title.

                And, I don’t like the last “Moving / still, / silent, // clear.” I think it comes out of nowhere. I’m sure it’s relevant… It’s just not justified. Perhaps, you could take the punch of what you want to say in the last stanza group and put it with the “I’m thinking maybe I…” stanza… Or relate it more to the verbal flow of that stanza.

                Overall, I think there needs to be more order to the flow and syllable count. It’s very sporadic and the attempt to go into this new style is over worked to the extent that it steals attention away from the truly successful parts.

                Oh – and I like the “Phone ringing one…” stanza. I like the dash after “minute” mirrored, but reinterpreted in “voice-mail.”  

PS. I’m being very critical because I’m excited to see you venture into new things… and I think you are talented enough where it is good for you to hear this stuff.